I’m doing my movement practice. It’s Saturday morning, it’s raining outside and I’m all by myself. I’m noticing how my solar plexus, my usual spot of tension, is hard like a stone, and try to move without holding it so much. When I can do that, I feel the release throughout the body. I lie sideways and try to lift the upper leg with both knees bent. I brace in the ribcage, the bottom hip and shoulders, and the neck gets tense. I’ve been working on this movement in the last few months. Even before lifting the top leg, my body anticipates and the bottom ribcage presses into the floor. I tell my clients that it’s not about how far you moves. It’s more about accepting where you are now and move in the range that doesn't use other areas of the body that are used to helping the movement, even if that means moving in imagination. I feel my desire to just lift the leg. I breathe while letting the solar plexus and the side rib move with the breath. To me, this is about being OK to not able to do something that seems so easy. My body knows all sorts of ways to get around to lift the leg, because I want that result. Am I able to love and accept myself even though I can’t lift this leg today? This has been so hard for me to accept. The movement IS hard for me. I tell myself that continuing to move in the same way would only reinforce the old pattern. I’m fighting inside. Every time I notice myself using the ribcage, the bottom hip and shoulders, instead of going further, I return to the start and relax them. Every time, the ribcage, bottom hip and shoulders melt further into the ground. Perhaps, this is not about lifting the leg, but about relaxing the body and the mind. Then, I surrender. A big space opens up in my ribcage, and the breath flows more freely as tears flow out of my eyes. Wrinkles in the forehead between the eyes smooth. I have been striving to do more than my body is capable. Even today, I was already making a list of things I would do over this weekend. My body anticipates the busyness. I lie there for a while. The body has let go of holding itself up and released into gravity. It’s Saturday morning, it’s raining outside, and I’m on my own. There is nothing to do, nowhere to go right at this moment.
I noticed exactly the same pattern yesterday. My yoga therapy colleagues & I are planning to make a t-shirt for our group. In a month, we are meeting in Calgary for the last live training of our 2-year certification training. I was going to work on the design. Then, I started feeling resentful and pushed to do it, because people know I’m an artist. I was stressed out that I don’t have enough time to work on things I need to do, etc. I messaged the group what I was feeling, because if anybody, this is the group of people I can say what I feel. We’ve gone through a process of becoming more of ourselves together. After I sent the message, I realized that I only have capacity to deal with essentials right now. My partner moved out 3 weeks ago, completing the process of separation we’ve discussed in the last 11 months. After that, every time I had an extra thing in my day - a meeting, a presentation or a visitor, my eyes got tight and I felt wired at the end of the day. I’m not as good as I want to be. While my mind says doing a t-shirt design for the group would be exiting and fun, feeling of resentment, stress and pressure is my body saying NO. Both in my life and in my movement practice, I’m pissed off that where I am isn’t where I want to be. As my awareness deepens, again and again, I’m reminded how hard I am on myself. Accepting where I am and being compassionate with myself are humbling.